I'm a widow. It should not define me, but in some ways it does. I may not always be a widow, but under that title I have been given a new path to walk. It isn't the one I would have chosen for myself. It isn't the one I thought I would be on at nearly 53. We were ready for some good years. Some light traveling, some fun. We had fought for our marriage, and we had both surrendered to Jesus and the constant work of being conformed into His image. We were a team. We were comfortable with each other, and could almost read each other's minds. We were in many ways one, though we were also individuals. And now...it is Jesus and me. It HAS to be Jesus with me, because alone is a desperately dark place for me. Alone is where my phobias overwhelm me, sending me into heart-racing panic mode. Alone is where my regrets wash over me, and I sob with apologies again for being less than I should have been in my marriage. Alone is where the future looks bleak and lonely. Alone is unacceptable. I don't know how a widow without Jesus survives. I could not without His loving arms wrapping me tight and holding me close whenever the darkness closes in. He has never left me. For months I asked Him, "Why, Lord?" I never got an answer. I came to understand this one thing. He will never leave me. Even though I feel alone, He is with me. Even though all I know is gone, and I must start anew, He has never left me. I am only required to hold His hand and surrender to His will- whatever His will is. He will walk with me every day, for the rest of my life. Though the trials I have endured, and those to come break my heart, He is enough. He IS enough. He is EVERYTHING.
Stay the course, friend. God is with you. He has never left you. Cling to Him. Find your strength in Him. When you are done asking, "Why?" He will show you how to live this new life. He will teach you to trust, to rest in Him.
Here are the words of a song I wrote the year Ron passed. It will soon be recorded and join the free downloads on my music page.
Blessings ♥ Kathy K
In You Alone
Only You are worthy
Only You are worthy of my praise
Only You are with me every step Lord, for all my days
You’ve never left me You’ve never left me, though I’ve felt alone
You’ve never abandoned me, my God. You’re holding me close
And calling your beloved to come and rest in You alone.
Only You are wisdom whispered down from heaven above
Only You are mercy and You shower me with Your love
You’ve never left me You’ve never left me, though I’ve felt alone
You’ve never abandoned me my God. You’re holding me close
And calling your beloved to come and rest in You alone.
And through my tears and the shattered pieces of my heart
I cry out above the doubts My God how great thou art!
When everything I know is gone there seems no place to start
You are here with me!
Through the fire
At the bottom of this hole I’m in
In the storm as I’m battered by relentless winds
And through the night, when it seems the fear’s about to win
I won’t despair!
You are there!
You’ve never left me, though I feel alone
You’ve never abandoned me my God. You’re holding me close
And calling Your beloved to come and rest in You alone.
You’re calling Your beloved to come and rest in You alone.
“In You Alone”
Words and Music by Kathy Kerber
© 2019 Kathy Kerber
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