This is the real longing of my heart. I think I took it for granted in my marriage. But living out our vows meant learning to accept each other, and our life together for what it was, rather than what we wanted it to be. Ron first introduced me to the Serenity Prayer, as he was very acquainted with it. Speaking this prayer to the Lord has helped me accept myself and learn to be patient with whatever process I am in, trusting that God will do the work in my heart. It has helped me to remember that happiness is not circumstantial, but dependent on where my focus is - on the temporal, or eternal. Trying to live out the ideals in this prayer has helped me learn to love and accept myself as I dealt with brokenness in my life. Things like raging co-dependency, addictive tendencies, and recovering from trauma and abuse. Through Celebrate Recovery, I learned to let go of my own will and put the focus on God's. And as I knew myself better, I came to a greater understanding of the depth of God's grace and mercy in my life. Ron was the first person in my life I felt truly knew me and loved me just as I was, and I will always miss that sense of being known by my husband. But God's unconditional love and acceptance is the reason for my hope!
The Serenity Prayer
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen." Reinhold Niebuhr
I tried to apply the prayer above to my loss, and here's what I came up with.
I cannot change the fact that Ron died and I am nearly 53 years old, and our life together has been deconstructed. I cannot change the fact that my heart is broken, and I am facing life alone after 22 years of togetherness. I cannot change the fact that no one on this earth knows me as Ron did, in all my weakness and failings and still loves me and accepts me, and calls me their own.
But what I can change is my focus. I can seek out the blessings in this journey, and focus on the fact that GOD knows me in all my weakness and failings, and He still loves me, accepts me, and calls me His own. This is miraculous. If you knew me like God does, you would know this is a miracle. He knows me FULLY. He loves me, and ACCEPTS me. His love changes everything! The blood of Jesus makes me blameless and clean in His eyes, and He calls me His beloved daughter.
I can stay present in today, enjoying each moment as a gift, and accepting my circumstances without resentment or self-pity, and I can surrender to His will for my life and seek my happiness in serving Him and others.
I can dwell on the fact that one day I will see Him and know Him as Ron does, and I will enjoy supreme happiness for all of eternity, because I am with my Creator! Thank you, Lord. You are SO good to me!
I don't know what you are going through in your life, but God KNOWS YOU! He loves you and accepts you just as you are. He loves you so much that He sent His Son to die a brutal death on a cross so that you would not have to be separated from the Father. If you haven't asked Him into your life, you can ask Him right now. It doesn't have to be any particular words or posture. Just tell Him you need Him and ask Him to help you know what you need to do. He will show you. Once you invite Him in, and tell Him you believe Jesus died for your sins and you want a new heart, I promise He will give you one! And the Holy Spirit will help you know what to do next. If you need someone to pray with you, or need someone to talk to, please use the contact me button at the top of the page. I will listen and I will pray for you.
Blessings, Friend.