Staying the Course - On the Hard Days
Updated: Apr 27, 2021
Well, last night I wrote for about two hours, but didn't publish my post. It wasn't even coherent, honestly. I just wrote it and deleted it. It helped me move toward trying to sleep, but it was a little raw to share here. So I am sharing today instead.
I found out Wednesday I will need to have surgery on my right knee. If you know me personally, you probably know I've got a torn tendon still STUBBORNLY not healed yet and a broken toe also still painful on the left foot, but now I've also got a full thickness tear in the medial meniscus of the right knee, and it keeps catching and threatening to give way, and when I do certain movements, it is quite painful. Sleeping has also been elusive, and the PT for my left ankle aggravated the right knee until finally I had an episode (severe pain) and then another. Well, now I know why those episodes were happening.
The idea of having surgery hit me really hard last night and I don't know if any of you get this, but I am a widow and this is another first for me. Ron and I cared for each other during past surgeries, and this will be the only time I have ever undergone surgery without him. There is a feeling of being exposed, vulnerable, that I wasn't prepared for. And of course the memories of all the ways he took care of me flooded my heart and mind last night until I just lost it. I laid my head on my desk and sobbed, and all I wanted to do was order food and binge on anything and everything. But I didn't. I have lost 49lbs as of last Sunday and I NEED to keep losing. I apparently don't know my limits, so I've got to mitigate my tendency to overdo it and injure myself! And losing weight is really the only thing I can control. I haven't walked steadily since last March of 2020, after falling, tearing an ankle tendon, falling again, and finally falling the third time and breaking my toe. It has been a long haul, and I am feeling WEARY of the struggle to have my life back.
But today I have another victory. I have proven to myself that even in deep grief, feeling inconsolable and overwhelmed with fear, it is possible to stay the course. I have been blessed with five months of sobriety with food this week, and I am so grateful for no slips or cheats. Last night was close, but I persevered. I got up and took care of some things I wanted to do for my boys, and then I tried to sleep, giving it to the Lord again.
This afternoon I took care of finding out what it will cost, set up a payment plan and will be trusting God for the financial resources to make those payments because they will fall outside of my budget. I talked with my oldest a bit about my feelings and fears....as in, if I don't wake up from anesthesia how can I be unhappy to get to see Ron again, but then I would leave my boys with no mom or dad. Yes, I know that seems really dark, but friend, the spiral is real. When grief is involved, things quickly go from okay or just uncomfortable, to out of control sobbing, and irrational future-tripping. I am better today, but I KNOW I am never more than one moment from the next test, the next trial. This will be for the rest of my life that I must fight the desire to comfort myself. Fear, loneliness, pain, discouragement, these are not the enemy. They are my teachers. I must learn to rely on God and not myself and my old coping skills.