Updated: Apr 27, 2021
I'm a widow. It should not define me, but in some ways it does. I may not always be a widow, but under that title I have been given a new path to walk. It isn't the one I would have chosen for myself. It isn't the one I thought I would be on at nearly 53. We were ready for some good years. Some light traveling, some fun. We had fought for our marriage, and we had both surrendered to Jesus and the constant work of being conformed into His image. We were a team. We were comfortable with each other, and could almost read each other's minds. We were in many ways one, though we were also individuals. And now...it is Jesus and me. It HAS to be Jesus with me, because alone is a desperately dark place for me. Alone is where my phobias overwhelm me, sending me into heart-racing panic mode. Alone is where my regrets wash over me, and I sob with apologies again for being less than I should have been in my marriage. Alone is where the future looks bleak and lonely. Alone is unacceptable. I don't know how a widow without Jesus survives. I could not without His loving arms wrapping me tight and holding me close whenever the darkness closes in. He has never left me. For months I asked Him, "Why, Lord?" I never got an answer. I came to understand this one thing. He will never leave me. Even though I feel alone, He is with me. Even though all I know is gone, and I must start anew, He has never left me. I am only required to hold His hand and surrender to His will- whatever His will is. He will walk with me every day, for the rest of my life. Though the trials I have endured, and those to come break my heart, He is enough. He IS enough. He is EVERYTHING.
Stay the course, friend. God is with you. He has never left you. Cling to Him. Find your strength in Him. When you are done asking, "Why?" He will show you how to live this new life. He will teach you to trust, to rest in Him.
Here are the words of a song I wrote the year Ron passed. It will soon be recorded and join the free downloads on my music page.
Blessings ♥ Kathy K
In You Alone
Only You are worthy
Only You are worthy of my praise
Only You are with me every step Lord, for all my days
You’ve never left me You’ve never left me, though I’ve felt alone
You’ve never abandoned me, my God. You’re holding me close
And calling your beloved to come and rest in You alone.
Only You are wisdom whispered down from heaven above
Only You are mercy and You shower me with Your love
You’ve never left me You’ve never left me, though I’ve felt alone
You’ve never abandoned me my God. You’re holding me close
And calling your beloved to come and rest in You alone.
And through my tears and the shattered pieces of my heart
I cry out above the doubts My God how great thou art!
When everything I know is gone there seems no place to start
You are here with me!
Through the fire
At the bottom of this hole I’m in
In the storm as I’m battered by relentless winds
And through the night, when it seems the fear’s about to win
I won’t despair!
You are there!
You’ve never left me, though I feel alone
You’ve never abandoned me my God. You’re holding me close
And calling Your beloved to come and rest in You alone.
You’re calling Your beloved to come and rest in You alone.
“In You Alone”
Words and Music by Kathy Kerber
© 2019 Kathy Kerber
Updated: Apr 27, 2021
I can complain with the best of them. Somewhere along the way, the Lord has shown me what a serious and destructive character defect this is. If you know me well, you've heard me complain. But I've begun to try to get a handle on it. God has shown me that my obedience is not complete, so long as I am whining about the circumstances. I am trying to understand the root of this need to complain, and I hope to gain some wisdom as I work to let it go. How can I be a light in the world, when my mouth is busy complaining about the unfairness of my situation, whatever it is? I'm not specifically talking about life as a widow, but that does factor into my gut response to perceived hardship. I'll call it what it is - self-pity. I have no shortage of character defects, but I find it interesting that the two I've mentioned here go hand-in-hand, but can stand alone, as well. Both are ugly, and if I'm honest, completely useless. They add to the chaos in my mind, hamper my growth, and steal my peace. They turn my face away from the Lord and His goodness, and toward myself and my wants.
I do try to be grateful in all circumstances, and the way these defects manifest is not intentional on my part, but rather a set pattern of thinking. The Holy Spirit does often redirect me, and I am always so glad to return to that place of gratefulness, but in the dark inner thoughts, the enemy finds a foothold, and I wonder what my thought-life would look like without those liabilities running the show. I pray that the Lord will reveal that to me as I endeavor to surrender my tendency to complain, to seek validation in my circumstances. I suspect this will be a difficult journey, but, as in all things undertaken out of a desire for obedience and a closer walk with the Lord, I know it will be worth it, and I am excited to see what He will do in me.
I would love to know if you can relate, or have a similar struggle. I hope you will comment or send a message here.
Blessings, Friend
Updated: Apr 27, 2021
Well, last night I wrote for about two hours, but didn't publish my post. It wasn't even coherent, honestly. I just wrote it and deleted it. It helped me move toward trying to sleep, but it was a little raw to share here. So I am sharing today instead.
I found out Wednesday I will need to have surgery on my right knee. If you know me personally, you probably know I've got a torn tendon still STUBBORNLY not healed yet and a broken toe also still painful on the left foot, but now I've also got a full thickness tear in the medial meniscus of the right knee, and it keeps catching and threatening to give way, and when I do certain movements, it is quite painful. Sleeping has also been elusive, and the PT for my left ankle aggravated the right knee until finally I had an episode (severe pain) and then another. Well, now I know why those episodes were happening.
The idea of having surgery hit me really hard last night and I don't know if any of you get this, but I am a widow and this is another first for me. Ron and I cared for each other during past surgeries, and this will be the only time I have ever undergone surgery without him. There is a feeling of being exposed, vulnerable, that I wasn't prepared for. And of course the memories of all the ways he took care of me flooded my heart and mind last night until I just lost it. I laid my head on my desk and sobbed, and all I wanted to do was order food and binge on anything and everything. But I didn't. I have lost 49lbs as of last Sunday and I NEED to keep losing. I apparently don't know my limits, so I've got to mitigate my tendency to overdo it and injure myself! And losing weight is really the only thing I can control. I haven't walked steadily since last March of 2020, after falling, tearing an ankle tendon, falling again, and finally falling the third time and breaking my toe. It has been a long haul, and I am feeling WEARY of the struggle to have my life back.
But today I have another victory. I have proven to myself that even in deep grief, feeling inconsolable and overwhelmed with fear, it is possible to stay the course. I have been blessed with five months of sobriety with food this week, and I am so grateful for no slips or cheats. Last night was close, but I persevered. I got up and took care of some things I wanted to do for my boys, and then I tried to sleep, giving it to the Lord again.
This afternoon I took care of finding out what it will cost, set up a payment plan and will be trusting God for the financial resources to make those payments because they will fall outside of my budget. I talked with my oldest a bit about my feelings and fears....as in, if I don't wake up from anesthesia how can I be unhappy to get to see Ron again, but then I would leave my boys with no mom or dad. Yes, I know that seems really dark, but friend, the spiral is real. When grief is involved, things quickly go from okay or just uncomfortable, to out of control sobbing, and irrational future-tripping. I am better today, but I KNOW I am never more than one moment from the next test, the next trial. This will be for the rest of my life that I must fight the desire to comfort myself. Fear, loneliness, pain, discouragement, these are not the enemy. They are my teachers. I must learn to rely on God and not myself and my old coping skills.
Blessings, Friend