When you read that title, how did it strike you? Are you even aware of the silent conversations you have with yourself? I was not. In fact, I hadn't ever thought about it until after my husband passed away. I have so much more silence in my life now, and my husband was constantly bolstering my self-esteem. He thought the world of me, and made no secret of it. What I did not realize was why that was so important in my life, and the past two years have been in some ways an opportunity (boy I don't like using that word in this context) to get to know myself all over again. I was with Ron from my late 20's until the age of 50. His pouring into me positive things tempered the brutal critic residing in me, and I had no idea that voice would become so prevalent in the two years after he passed. I've done a lot of work in the past to to overcome the trauma in my life, and I know I've come a long way, thanks to counseling and recovery programs, but I have never considered how verbally abusive I was to myself. I say "was" because I am trying to leave that in the past. When my counselor and I began to talk about my self-talk, I became aware of the unkind things I was saying, and it shocked me.
If you've ever had a critic in your life (and who hasn't?), you've probably heard some negative phrases over and over from that person. It is entirely possible that some of those phrases have become a part of your inner talk. I challenge you to take time today to be aware of the things you say to yourself. I am going to share some things here that I would never say to anyone I love. I am a teacher, and I would never even THINK these things about any of my students! And yet, they are things I have spoken silently, sometimes audibly, to myself over and over again, until they became a part of my identity. And the saddest part is that I didn't even notice. I'm trying to be aware, and to make an effort to silence that critical voice with truth. These things are difficult to write, to own as part of my psyche, but I declare that I will be free of these lies by replacing them with the truth of my identity in Christ.
"Idiot"
"Nice going, dummy"
"Use your head, Kathy"
"Could you be less coordinated?"
"Clutz"
"Jerk"
"Whiney baby"
"Try using some common sense"
"What are you, stupid?"
"Smooth move"
"Way to go"
"First day walking?"
"Man up"
"Suck it up"
"You did it to yourself"
"Why would they do something nice like that? you aren't worthy"
"You are so needy"
"You are so weak"
"You are such a wimp"
"Why do people even tolerate you?"
These are only a small sample of the negative things I have caught myself saying. How about you? I hope you'll sign up for my blog and share your own inner critic's accusations in the comments or in a private message to me. We can pray for each other.
Blessings, Friend