Updated: Apr 27, 2021
When you read that title, how did it strike you? Are you even aware of the silent conversations you have with yourself? I was not. In fact, I hadn't ever thought about it until after my husband passed away. I have so much more silence in my life now, and my husband was constantly bolstering my self-esteem. He thought the world of me, and made no secret of it. What I did not realize was why that was so important in my life, and the past two years have been in some ways an opportunity (boy I don't like using that word in this context) to get to know myself all over again. I was with Ron from my late 20's until the age of 50. His pouring into me positive things tempered the brutal critic residing in me, and I had no idea that voice would become so prevalent in the two years after he passed. I've done a lot of work in the past to to overcome the trauma in my life, and I know I've come a long way, thanks to counseling and recovery programs, but I have never considered how verbally abusive I was to myself. I say "was" because I am trying to leave that in the past. When my counselor and I began to talk about my self-talk, I became aware of the unkind things I was saying, and it shocked me.
If you've ever had a critic in your life (and who hasn't?), you've probably heard some negative phrases over and over from that person. It is entirely possible that some of those phrases have become a part of your inner talk. I challenge you to take time today to be aware of the things you say to yourself. I am going to share some things here that I would never say to anyone I love. I am a teacher, and I would never even THINK these things about any of my students! And yet, they are things I have spoken silently, sometimes audibly, to myself over and over again, until they became a part of my identity. And the saddest part is that I didn't even notice. I'm trying to be aware, and to make an effort to silence that critical voice with truth. These things are difficult to write, to own as part of my psyche, but I declare that I will be free of these lies by replacing them with the truth of my identity in Christ.
"Idiot"
"Nice going, dummy"
"Use your head, Kathy"
"Could you be less coordinated?"
"Clutz"
"Jerk"
"Whiney baby"
"Try using some common sense"
"What are you, stupid?"
"Smooth move"
"Way to go"
"First day walking?"
"Man up"
"Suck it up"
"You did it to yourself"
"Why would they do something nice like that? you aren't worthy"
"You are so needy"
"You are so weak"
"You are such a wimp"
"Why do people even tolerate you?"
These are only a small sample of the negative things I have caught myself saying. How about you? I hope you'll sign up for my blog and share your own inner critic's accusations in the comments or in a private message to me. We can pray for each other.
Blessings, Friend
Updated: Apr 27, 2021
"Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world. But be transformed by the renewing of your mind Romans" 12:2a
If there is an answer for the madness of food addiction, it will not found in any program or diet, by counting calories, carbs, or fats, or by removing certain foods. It will be found in a new mindset and attitude about food and eating. It will be found through submission and obedience to God. A program or diet will ONLY provide external changes. In fact, in my experience, simply restricting calories or food categories merely leads to another type of obsession.
I can't tell you the hours I have wasted manipulating my food plan to be able to eat what I want, exercising to "earn" enough calories to have a treat, "saving" my calories for the evening so I could spend time with my love - Food. And each time I would sit down with the allotted servings, I would immediately feel like it wasn't enough. It didn't matter what I was eating. The very idea of restricting the food changed my entire experience of eating. Instead of enjoying the food God had blessed to my body, I would obsess about what I couldn't have. I could maintain this cycle for awhile, but eventually my resolve would crumble, and I would cheat. And every cheat left me feeling a failure. And I was on to pursuing the next, hopefully better, program.
The problem with my pursuit of a perfect plan is that every one failed to address the true issue. Instead of taking the focus OFF of the food, these plans amplified the importance food, and the opportunity to start a new plan was merely a temporary redirect of my very serious, lifelong obsession with food.
The Lord has been speaking to me for a very, VERY long time about this issue, and He has shown me that while the battle is fought daily, hourly, and sometimes minute by minute, meal by meal, the WAR must be won in my mind and heart. And make no mistake, it is a war! I never get any peace from the enemy. In addition to the enemy's taunts about how how much I "need" whatever food item is beckoning at the time, Satan throws my previous failures in my face constantly. Nothing has changed in his strategy to distract me from the real issues, but I am beginning to understand that my God does NOT hold my failures against me. He is NOT disgusted with my addiction to food. That is a difficult concept to grasp, but I CAN, because His love for me is greater than any sin in my life, and He just wants me to be free. Free to serve Him and Him alone, rather than part of my heart belonging to food.
God created food in abundance, in glorious variety, for our enjoyment, to nourish our bodies, not to destroy our bodies or become an idol in our lives. I have known this since coming to faith in Christ, but the application to this area has been elusive. How simple it is. I see that now that I have some sobriety. I must BELIEVE that my mindset about food can be transformed, renewed, restored, completely healed. I must NOT put my trust in any program, though ELAB has provided structure to help me achieve abstinence from compulsive overeating, and is therefore a useful part of my healing journey. I must TRUST God's promise found in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
I believe God does not care if my last breath is exhaled from an obese body or a trim one. But He wants me to have an abundant life, and He is WAY more interested in my wholeness of heart than in my appearance. You may be familiar with the story of David and Goliath, but what strikes me most about David's story is when the sons of Jesse appeared before Samuel and he was to choose which one God had annointed. Samuel thought one of the fine looking sons was surely God's choice, but it turned out to be the youngest, who wasn't even presented. God told Samuel, "...do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
God knows my desire to turn this part of my life over to Him. He knows the struggle, and He knows my heart. When I stand before Him each day, He does not judge me by my appearance, the success of my efforts to lose weight, or the rigidness of my way of eating. He judges me by my heart, and so my focus, my goal is to be changed. Abstinence from compulsive overeating will NOT bring change. Only God can change a heart. However, removing the constant thoughts and pursuit of food creates space for HIM to fill, and that, my friend is how I will win this war.
I will have a healthy relationship with food. It will take......as long as it takes. God's timing is not mine. I will be faithful to continue to seek Him, to forsake food, to believe and trust Him to do the work of changing my heart. And meanwhile, I will put on the armor of God and fight this battle in His strength. And I will remember this promise from Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
If you want someone to walk beside you on your own journey to victory over food addiction, please go to the contact page and send me a message.
If you want to comment on my posts, you have to sign up, and I understand the aversion to doing so, but I invite you to follow me and see God's goodness and His faithfulness as I learn to take every thought captive and finally live in obedience in this area of my life. II Corinthians 10:5 says this "demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
May it be so in me.
Amen.
Updated: Apr 27, 2021
Obsession is pretty rampant in our world, especially in the midst of this pandemic, so I think we have all had enough exposure to discern between being sensible and acting on an unhealthy obsession. I don't know which "side" you are on in that conversation, and I am not really wanting to have a discussion about that. Instead, I am hoping to piggyback onto that concept to help you understand a little bit about the food addict's obsessive mindset.
First, we must discern between healthy and unhealthy thinking in relation to food. For non-addicted people, food is a pleasant source of nutrition, enjoyed socially, used in moderation. They might really enjoy cooking, have tons of recipes, and enjoy feeding other people. They might even occasionally overeat, but for them it is not a daily compulsion. They have great difficulty understanding what would drive a person to obsessively pursue food beyond satiation, to the point that they gain 20, 50, 80, 100, or even 200 lbs. In fact, even an addict has trouble understanding this. For example, a good friend once asked me, "Why do you do it, Kathy?" I had no answer. This person should have understood, as they also struggled with addiction (to a chemical substance), but they didn't get how my struggle was also one of powerlessness and compulsion; it didn't equate in their mind to addiction.
For "normal" people, food has a time and a place, but for the addict, food is the central focus of their life. It beckons to them constantly, and they are always strategizing to gain some control over it. I think we can agree that it is clearly unhealthy to obsess about food this way. But it may still be hard for you to make the leap to accept that someone could be addicted to food. Let me challenge you a little more.
Have you ever asked an alcoholic, "Why do you drink?" They wouldn't have an answer, because they are compelled to do so. Even after staying away from alcohol for an extended period of time, one drink is often enough to end years of sobriety and take that person very quickly down a destructive path. A more pertinent question to ask them (when they are sober) might be, "Why DON'T you drink?" The answer might be, "Because I have no control over alcohol when I do." If you rewrite that question for a food addict, replacing alcohol with the word food (or carbs, sugar, etc), the similarities are easy to see. If someone asked why I don't eat sugar or carbs or several times a day like "normal" people, I would answer similarly, "Because once I start eating, I feel powerless to moderate, regulate, or stop eating. This is especially true if the meal is a high-carb meal, and is even more true when I am alone with that meal. The full signal becomes irrelevant. The compulsion overrides it!"
How is that even possible? Because most of us with an addiction to overeating have stretched our stomachs to compensate. We may not eat much in the presence of others, but when left alone to eat, we can put the food away. Let me tell you. Friend, you may know people who have had bariatric surgery, but have still gained the weight back. How is this possible? I mean, that would require them to eat past the point of pain! Unimaginable, right? Well, it is a reality for many of us. And not just those who are heavy. This obsession applies in other iterations of eating disorders. For a period of time, the addict may be able to control, even to the point of starvation measures, what and how much they eat, but eventually, like any addict might, they LOSE CONTROL.
Maybe you know someone who struggles with an eating disorder. My obsession with food has, in the past, taken me down the other path of withholding, bingeing, and then purging. I'm not proud of it, but I know that it seemed the only viable path at the time. I've had so many people ask in so many words, "Why don't you just eat normally?" But anyone who has dealt with an eating disorder of any kind will tell you they feel powerless over the food and their compulsion to abuse it, whether over or under eating. It is complicated.
I hope you are beginning to see how, for someone like me, a program which encourages a less frequent eating schedule might be appealing. Choosing this path has created a simple boundary for me, and as I have submitted to that boundary, the shrinking of my stomach has made it possible for me to reconnect with the hunger and full signals in my mind, and to be MINDFUL as I eat. The lack of eating the rest of the time is giving me space and time to deal with the ever-present "need" for food, and to learn healthy coping mechanisms to redirect that perceived need while my brain learns a new thing.
In my next post, I'll get into more of the ways that food addiction and obsession has manifested in my life, and I'll really focus in on the transforming of the mind and how God is using this program to teach me that He is enough. But for now, I'll close with a brief plug for ELAB.
At my counselor's advice, I searched for Amanda Rose's website and the ELAB (Eat Like A Bear) program. At 52 yrs old, I've finally found something which is giving me true freedom around the substance I have abused most of my life. The principles of this program discourage obsession, encourage creativity and individuality in forming new habits, and provide hope, especially to those tackling huge weight-loss goals. Even that sets it apart from anything else I have used. If you can relate to my experience, and can dare to hope again, please consider looking up the program. It doesn't cost anything, has great support groups, and is unbelievably effective.
If you would like to comment, I hope you will not mind signing up for my site. I don't use email to send you requests for anything, but making an account allows you to interact with me here and get an email when I post in this blog. No monthly newsletter or anything like that. I hope you will let me know your thoughts on what I'm sharing.
Blessings, Friend.