Have you ever started a new thing in your life, only to find you have inexplicably lost the focus and will to continue? I don't know about you, but for me, that rush of passionate pursuit is always followed by feelings of disappointment and defeat, and I lose faith in my ability to complete whatever new thing I was trying to do. When people are successful at effecting change, we chalk it up to their having more willpower or strength than we do, as we know all too well, the odds stacked against us when we endeavor to alter our lifestyle and habits.
I've been afflicted with this obsession with food from a very young age. How I've longed to be free of it, and the consequences of submitting to it! I've shared before how dark this journey has been, but I haven't before shared where it started. I can't go into detail here, because other people's stories are involved, but I can say there were things that happened early in my life which left me with a constant, gnawing feeling of want in my heart and in my belly. From the age of 5, I clearly remember NEEDING food around me. I remember hoarding food. I remember stealing food. It didn't even matter if I could eat it all. I just needed it around me. This was a psychological condition. I know that after having had the benefit of years of counseling, none of which could really change these set patterns. But I have seen God bring SO MUCH healing to this area of my life. I can't even comprehend what He has done. I only know His touch on my heart has allowed me to change some of my behaviors around this fixation on food. Prior to counseling, God blessed me with children, and I found my anxiety around food even more heightened. If something was on sale, I would bring it home....in cases, friend. I had food in my purse, food in my vehicle, and even in my suitcase when we traveled. At all times, I had food, lest my children go without. This was a complete surrender to what felt like an uncontrollable compulsion.
Praise God, that is no longer who I am. I understand God will provide, because I've seen Him do it over and over again. God, in His mercy gently, repeatedly proves Himself in my life. Why He cares enough to do that, I do not know, but He does it. One need only stop and reflect to see His loving hand working in our lives. I don't know what your struggle looks like, but whether it is a fixation, compulsion, or something else, God is the answer. He WILL heal your heart. That is Who He is. He won't solve your problems, but He will give you the power to change. And then it is your choice to believe you can change.
I am speaking from experience, because even though I know God will provide food and everything I need. I am just like the Israelites wandering in the desert. EVERY SINGLE TIME I have to choose to believe He WILL provide. I have to choose to believe that HE is enough. And as I continue to make the same choices, to believe God is and will continue working, the connections are lighting up in my brain, and the more worn the pathways, the stronger the connections. That is when the "magic" of change happens. I think it is amazing how God has designed our brains for this process of trusting Him more and more.
God has healed my heart of the need to hoard food, and instead has given me a heart of sharing food. I love to cook for people and send people home with food. While I am still learning to let go of overeating and the lack of trust reflected in that action, He has allowed me to see clearly that healing is possible. Even when patterns are set in place at an early age! What is most remarkable to me is that the things that happened to me in my early life are not erased. I haven't forgotten that feeling of want, of need, of obsession, of compulsion to get food. Instead, God illuminates Himself in this new thing He is doing.
That is Who He is. He allows us to struggle with weaknesses and failings, to feel deep loss and brokenness so that we might better see His strength and power, and understand what it is to be whole in Him.
Light shines brightest in the darkness. I hope you will reflect on His power in your weakness, and make choices today that will bring about and make permanent the changes you want to see in your life.
Stay the course. Blessings, Friend.
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